Part 1: Heels Were Invented By Satan To Make Me Look Like An Ass

As if I needed more help with that. Let me preface this by saying I never wear heels. Ever. But for some reason this past month I was on a kick where I thought I would start wearing heels all the time, so I spent weeks trying to find the perfect pair. Then one day when I was out shopping, browsing the deals at T.J. Maxx, I saw them. They were dark purple, non-patent leather, with a ruffle around the edge. And they were calling my name. Did I mention they were also 22 dollars? It was love at first sight.

I snatched them up and ran to the nearest bench to try them on. I jumped up on those 3-inchers and was prancing around the aisle of the store like a damn show pony. I thought they were so cool and would be the first perfect pair of heels in my eventual collection of many. With minimal experience in walking in heels, I thought it would be easy and already felt like a pro. Little did I know…

A week or so went by and I had not been able to wear these amazing shoes because the weather was so bad. Until one gloriously sunny and warm Friday rolled around, and I knew that was the day. That was the day I would debut my new style of non-stop heel wearing to the world. And it was supposed to be great.

I got ready that morning putting on my clothes and makeup, all the usual things. I put on my new heels and was walking around finishing getting myself together. “This is so easy”, I thought to myself, “Plus they look great!” I took off out the door to walk to class feeling good about my new adventures in heels.

The stairs to get out of my building alone were a nightmare, and this guy was holding the door open and waiting for me to make my way out. I said thank you and acted as if I wasn’t walking extremely slow and clutching the railing for dear life. “Whatever”, I thought, “He didn’t even notice and I’m just getting used to the shoes anyway”.

Not too long after I made it to the sidewalk, and I felt like I was walking really slow and really weird. I thought to myself, “No, you probably don’t look as stupid as you think. You just haven’t gotten used to them yet”. Yet again I tried to convince myself, and it worked long enough for me to make it to class on time.

TO BE CONTINUED...