Overalls Are Meant For The Farmyard

Ok, I’ll admit it. I was once guilty of overall-wearing for daily non-farm activities. But it was also the late 90’s, I was in the fourth grade, and it was in style. That’s right, even before my age reached the double digits I was still on top of the latest styles. At any rate, these days it is not ok to wear overalls. Actually, it’s more than not ok, it is just plain wrong.

If you’re over the age of 4 there is no reason for you to be wearing a one-piece anything. Never mind something as absurd as one-piece jeans. Which is odd because jeans are one-piece anyway… Who the hell decided that jeans needed to be more one-piece-ier in the first place? Where do people come up with these ideas? I guess I can commend the intentions of creating the overall because crack is not where it’s at, so to speak. So this contraption called overalls would definitely save us from over-crack-exposure. However this does not excuse the fact that nobody should ever wear overalls! Call me optimistic but I was just reasoning with the bright side of overalls.

Now there is a time and place for everything, including overalls (which is quite unfortunate). You are officially allowed to wear overalls if you are either:

A. A farmer. And this means in the farmyard only. I mean come on, when was the last time you saw a farmer not wearing overalls? They were practically made for each other. But for all you farmers who venture out on the town or go clubbing (…I have no idea what farmers do), you must remove the overalls immediately!

or

B. A plumber. You might be thinking, “Ok farmer I get, but plumber?” Yes plumber. How many times have you had a plumber repairing your leaky kitchen faucet, and you walk in to grab a bag a chips but suddenly you’re not hungry anymore because you have been hit with the sight of the dreaded and not-so-elusive plumber crack?! I never let a plumber in my house unless they’re wearing overalls because which is more important, fixing a leaky pipe or keeping my vision?

Overalls are always a no, and if you still own a pair or two and are not currently working as a farmer and/or plumber, I would be surprised. And appalled. I haven’t seen anyone kicking around in their overalls lately, and I intend to keep it that way.

(Photos courtesy of http://www.kids-courier.com/ and http://www.rawganique.com/)

Leggings Are Not Pants

I repeat, leggings are not pants. I seem to say this on a weekly basis because more and more women are not understanding that it is obscene and unsanitary to wear leggings as pants. Leggings are meant to be worn under long shirts, shorts, skirts, or dresses. Any clothing that covers your parts but still shows the leggings on your legs is permitted to be worn with leggings. You can not wear regular length shirts with leggings and nothing else because a thin piece of spandex is going to show everything. Everything. Please do the world a favor and follow these three simple rules to wearing leggings:

• Cover Up. Like I said long shirts, shorts, skirts, dresses, and anything that covers the appropriate areas are the only articles of clothing that can be worn with leggings. Leggings are meant to be seen on your legs, hence the name. I don’t care how great you think your ass is, no one wants to see it bulging out of thinner-than-paper spandex.

• Leggings Are Synonymous With Tights. Not jeans. Not pants. Tights. When’s the last time you wore pantyhose without pants? Never? Exactly. Just because leggings are thicker and slightly more opaque than tights doesn’t mean they qualify as full fledged pants. If you’re ever in doubt as to what can or can not be worn with leggings, remember this saying.

• Trends Aren’t For Everyone. Trend is not a bad word, and some are even fun to be a part of. Leggings is one of those trends. They can be cute and fashionable with the right outfit and can incorporate pieces of your fall, spring, and even summer wardrobe year round. That being said, trends aren’t for everyone. If leggings don’t look good on you or aren’t meant for your body, chances are you shouldn’t wear them. But don’t fret, trends come and go so you can always jump on the next fashion bandwagon.

Pass on these important rules to wearing leggings so we don’t have to look at spandex crotches and/or asses ever again!

Friends Don’t Let Friends Wear Sandals and Socks

(Not letting eachother wear sandals
and socks)

Sandals and socks should never meet under any circumstances, yet people still feel the need to unite these two items. Call me crazy but I don’t understand the logic behind wearing both sandals and socks at the same time, never mind the fact that it looks totally ridiculous. If it’s too cold to wear sandals to the point that you would need additional insulation on your feet (socks), then do not wear sandals! It seems so simple. On the other hand, if you’re making the commitment to put on a pair of socks, go the extra mile and put on your sneakers too. Don’t put on socks, get lazy, and resort to sandals. At least take the socks off first.

Men and women alike frequently break this law and it’s painful to witness. Whoever invented this trend against fashion needs to be found and punished, because it has spread like wildfire and has yet to die down. Refusing to look like an idiot and not wearing sandals and socks yourself is a good start to extinguish this fashion disaster, but it is not enough. You need to do your friend the biggest favor ever to exist in your relationship and not let them wear sandals and socks.

I once had a friend who wore sandals and socks, and I have not spoken to him since. Just kidding, even I’m not that bad. First I asked why the hell he would ever commit such an abomination, and then politely explained my position on the topic. I believe it went something like, “If you ever wear sandals and socks in public ever again I will divorce you as my best friend!” I may be paraphrasing, but at any rate he respectfully agreed to never wear them except for the occasional trip to the mailbox. I was willing to accept that deal because it was progress.

Make sure you do your part in stomping out this fashion faux pas by not letting your friends wear sandals and socks!

Just Say No To Crocs

I have been battling against Crocs from the God awful moment they were invented. People need to understand that a hunk of rubber is not a shoe! Unless it’s a flip-flop, but even that’s not a shoe, it’s a flip-flop which is a-okay in my book. But I digress.

Whoever invented Crocs is an evil genius that wants to make the world horribly unfashionable by passing off a variety of unattractive rubber footwear as shoes. I have seen so many types of Crocs it sickens me. There is the original, lose your toes on a mall escalator Croc. There is the fur-lined Croc for the winter time, of course. I mean, who could go even one season without wearing such an attractive shoe? (Gag.) And then there are a couple different types of Crocs that try to disguise themselves as women’s fashion flats.

I thought my personal battle with Crocs was nearly won. I hadn’t even seen a toddler wearing Crocs in the longest time, never mind a grown woman. But on this one, fateful afternoon when I was innocently watching television, I saw it. A brand new commercial advertising the newest type of Croc. My heart sank and I threw up in my mouth a little. A young, assumingly single woman, on her way out of her apartment, wearing Crocs even more deeply disguised as real shoes.

Women of the world do not be fooled! A Croc is not a shoe, no matter how much the evil Croc-people try to trick you into thinking they are. No matter how deeply you think the Croc-ness is disguised, it is blatantly obvious what those monstrosities on your feet are. Crocs are the singularly most unattractive and unfashionable shoe on the market today, and has earned Christine’s Official Stamp Of Disgust.

So if you do not want to be a fashion outcast, take my advice and just say no to Crocs. It’s as simple as that.

Tips For Wearing Heels For Those Who Do Not

After my mortifying experience with high heels (see previous posts), I have compiled a list of tips to prevent you from also looking like an ass while wearing heels. You’re welcome.

• Start Small. I mean real small. A half inch or even quarter inch heel, also known as kitten heels, are a good way to get some height and add variety to your wardrobe without having to walk like a yeti. If you’re really brave, an inch high heel isn’t too difficult either.

• Practice Makes Perfect. This tired old statement is true, especially when it comes to walking in heels. After you purchase your heels but before you wear them out in the world, practice walking in them in the privacy of your own home, preferably when you’re not expecting company. This way, if you do look like an idiot, no one will ever know but you and your cat. You’ll feel much more comfortable in your heels when it comes time to wear them out in public.

• Wedges Are Your Friends. Wedges give you the same height and style as a heel, except they’re easier to walk in because they’re an even level across the bottom. Like a platform, but actually fashionable. Now I’m not saying find the highest wedges in the store, slap them on, and be on your way. That is the exact recipe for looking like an ass. See above tips before running wild in your wedges, but you will find you can start higher and practice less before you get the hang of them.

• Ease Into It. When you’re practicing, you’re obviously going to have to wear your heels frequently. But this does not mean you have to wear them to work, class, or in public every single day. You will get sore feet, sore calves, and shin splints. My calves have yet to recover from my barely three hours of wearing those 3-inchers. Start small and slow, then increase height and frequency over time. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, I was always that good at math.

• If All Else Fails… Throw on those sneakers and work it! You don’t need high heels to be hip, fashionable, or sexy. There are a variety of flats, boots, sneakers, and sandals out there for every style and every outfit. “But Christine, heels are sexy and I want to look sexy too!"  Did you not just hear me?  You don’t need heels to look or feel sexy. All you need to do is grow a self-esteem, slap on those flip-flops, and head out on the town! Remember: You make the shoes, the shoes don’t make you.

Part 2: Heels Were Invented By Satan To Make Me Look Like An Ass

However the return trip after class back and to my dorm was less than successful. Much less. I took a different exit out of the building to avoid any extra stairs. My feet were kind of hurting, and again I felt as though I was walking funny. I was forced to walk down a steep hill, and I did ok. My dorm was in sight and I was almost there. Except for the crosswalk.

For some reason on this very day, cars decided to actually stop for pedestrians and had to wait for me to slowly and oddly walk across the street in my heels that I now hated. I could barely walk and didn’t think I was going to make it across the big parking lot to my dorm. So close, yet so far. Luckily at the beginning of the parking lot, there was a bench off to the side. I make a beeline for it and pretend I was texting on my phone and enjoying the day for a little while. I waited until barely anyone was around and made my move.

I could convince myself I didn’t look like an ass all those other times, but this time I knew I did. I could feel it. I looked like I had been walking in those shoes for months straight and was nearly rolling my right ankle with each step. And then I come upon the sea of rocks outside the door to my dorm that I had smartly avoided earlier, but in my rush to get these shoes off forgot. I made my way over them looking like I was going to fall and injure myself with every step. I made it to the stairs outside and casually looked to see if anyone saw me. Just one girl who I didn’t even know. Thank God. I opened the door and dragged myself up the stairs inside. I unlocked and flung open the door to my suite, but before I entered I ripped those demon heels off of my feet.

Upon entering my room, I threw them into my closet. They may never see the light of day again. They had ripped the polish off of my toenails and even worse, made me look like a complete and total ass.

Part 1: Heels Were Invented By Satan To Make Me Look Like An Ass

As if I needed more help with that. Let me preface this by saying I never wear heels. Ever. But for some reason this past month I was on a kick where I thought I would start wearing heels all the time, so I spent weeks trying to find the perfect pair. Then one day when I was out shopping, browsing the deals at T.J. Maxx, I saw them. They were dark purple, non-patent leather, with a ruffle around the edge. And they were calling my name. Did I mention they were also 22 dollars? It was love at first sight.

I snatched them up and ran to the nearest bench to try them on. I jumped up on those 3-inchers and was prancing around the aisle of the store like a damn show pony. I thought they were so cool and would be the first perfect pair of heels in my eventual collection of many. With minimal experience in walking in heels, I thought it would be easy and already felt like a pro. Little did I know…

A week or so went by and I had not been able to wear these amazing shoes because the weather was so bad. Until one gloriously sunny and warm Friday rolled around, and I knew that was the day. That was the day I would debut my new style of non-stop heel wearing to the world. And it was supposed to be great.

I got ready that morning putting on my clothes and makeup, all the usual things. I put on my new heels and was walking around finishing getting myself together. “This is so easy”, I thought to myself, “Plus they look great!” I took off out the door to walk to class feeling good about my new adventures in heels.

The stairs to get out of my building alone were a nightmare, and this guy was holding the door open and waiting for me to make my way out. I said thank you and acted as if I wasn’t walking extremely slow and clutching the railing for dear life. “Whatever”, I thought, “He didn’t even notice and I’m just getting used to the shoes anyway”.

Not too long after I made it to the sidewalk, and I felt like I was walking really slow and really weird. I thought to myself, “No, you probably don’t look as stupid as you think. You just haven’t gotten used to them yet”. Yet again I tried to convince myself, and it worked long enough for me to make it to class on time.

TO BE CONTINUED...