Pajamas Are Not For The Public

Which is why no one should be wearing them outside of their home! To me, seeing someone wearing their pajamas in public says that they have not showered today. They rolled out of bed, remembered they had errands to run, and walked on out as-is. Gross. On the other hand, if for some reason they did in fact shower but decided to put pajamas back on and then go out… well that is just silly, but it happens. And I’m here to (try to) put it to an end!

I’m going to make a statement that some people may not agree with, so it’s a good thing I don’t care about other people’s opinions. Sweatpants are ok to wear in public, as long as they’re not old, stained, dirty, ill-fitting, or completely ugly. Some people don’t want to be constricted by jeans while they’re grocery shopping, and I say that is ok! A nice outfit containing sweatpants is not a big deal to be seen in public, and can even look cute. For this reason I do not understand why people think they need to wear their pajamas in public to be comfortable. Personally, it would make me more uncomfortable to be wearing my Hello Kitty pajama pants with my oversized men’s t-shirt while everyone else is dressed… what’s the word I’m looking for?... normal.

Sweatpants tell people, “Hey, I have things to do but I feel like being extra casual today. Maybe I’m going to the gym later. You don’t know me, but you do know I don’t look like a slob even though I’m not wearing jeans.” Yes, sweatpants do make a nearly-paragraph-long statement. Deal with it. Pajamas on the other hand say, “About 20 minutes ago I was sound asleep in bed. I obviously didn’t walk by a mirror this morning or I would have come to the realization that my pajamas would be ridiculous to wear out in public. Not only do I look like a slob, but I also don’t care that I do.” This is not the statement you want to be making, trust me!

For all you people who wear your pajamas out in public, I have two things to say to you. One, I am disgusted. Two, invest in some nice, fitted sweatpants or some good-looking yoga pants. If you are that against wearing jeans in public, then you need to get some respectable looking sweatpants that make you seem like you care how you look. If you are as opposed to sweatpants as you are jeans, then keep your pajama eyesore in your house because no one wants to see it!

You’ll thank me later.

(Photos courtesy of http://www.farm3.static.flickr.com/ and http://www.x17online.com/)

Baseball Hats Were Created For Men

Specifically those who actually play baseball, but the average everyday dude can pull them off too. However, the people baseball hats are not meant for are women. I know you lady sports fans are going to kill me but I mean, come on. The only thing you could wear that would be more masculine is a mustache. I understand that the baseball hat makers of the world are trying to include, and even target, women by making pink baseball hats. But that doesn’t mean you have to give in and wear one!

Sometimes we ladies don’t feel like doing the whole 20 minute routine of styling our hair before we run out somewhere. And sometimes we’re not having the greatest hair day in the universe. It’s ok, I get it. But I do not get women who insist on wearing manly baseball hats to try to mask these things, because frankly, you’re not fooling anyone. The second I see a woman with a baseball hat on I know there is some seriously funked up hair going on underneath it. The more you try to hide it with a stupid baseball hat, the more obvious it is that your hair looks horrible today. Sure, throw your annoying hair back in a ponytail- instant style right there. But for the love of God do not proceed to strategically place a baseball hat over it.

We all know guys have it easier in every aspect of fashion, and even just in the daily routine. I wish I could take a 5 minute shower, brush my teeth, throw on some clothes, and be out the door but I can’t. Because I’m not a man. If I don’t feel like styling my hair, I am not going to put on a baseball hat. Because I’m not a man. A hair elastic can solve any major bad hair day with a flick of the wrist, and presto, a cute non-manly ponytail. But I swear, the next time you reach for that baseball hat I’ll chop your hand off.

And the only thing worse than wearing a baseball hat is losing a hand in a baseball hat related incident. You have been warned.

(Photos courtsey of www.rialtosquare.com/ and www.equip.co.uk/)

Crispy Hair Is A Crime

Hold on a second, I know what you’re thinking, but fashion isn’t just about the clothes you wear. Hair is the most important fashion accessory to any outfit because you can always see it. That’s why it is important to do something with that hair before you leave the house. Anything. Throw a comb through it and I’ll be happy.

Now I’ve seen some bad hair in my day, borderline terrible. Perms gone awry, hair cut uneven, afros on people that shouldn’t have them, and mullets. Enough said about that last one. But the one thing that truly hurts my soul to see on someone’s head is dried up, crispy, crunchy hair. For God’s sake woman, put down the hairspray and grab the conditioner! That damage is so terrifying it just may be irreversible, so you need to remedy it this second!

Call me cruel but I have no sympathy for those with crispy hair. Do you know how many conditioners they make these days? As someone with hair a little more oily than others, I shampoo religiously every day. So I expect my arch nemeses, the fried heads, to condition just as much. If you do so much as blow dry your hair at least 5 days a week, you should use conditioner. Chances are though, if you’re just innocently blow drying and using the proper conditioner now and again, your hair is probably just fine. I’m directing my poorly focused aggression on people who have hair the consistency of hay and do nothing about it. Which, in turn, forces me to look at it.

To end this tirade I have prepared an open letter of opinion to everyone who has obviously damaged, dry, crispy hair and is doing nothing to try to combat it:

Dear Crispies,

Your hair looks like a bird’s nest. It is so horribly damaged I do not know what to do with myself, but I certainly will not avert my gaze of disgust away from that hay stack you call hair. In order for my hatred of you to be directed elsewhere, I need you to go into the nearest drugstore and pick up one of the 10,000 different kinds of conditioners they sell, work into hair for about 60 seconds, rinse, and repeat as necessary. And trust me, it will be necessary. Have a nice day and watch out for nesting birds, I hear it’s mating season.

Love,

Christine

(Photos courtesy of www.myhairstylingtools.com and www.totallyher.com)

Overalls Are Meant For The Farmyard

Ok, I’ll admit it. I was once guilty of overall-wearing for daily non-farm activities. But it was also the late 90’s, I was in the fourth grade, and it was in style. That’s right, even before my age reached the double digits I was still on top of the latest styles. At any rate, these days it is not ok to wear overalls. Actually, it’s more than not ok, it is just plain wrong.

If you’re over the age of 4 there is no reason for you to be wearing a one-piece anything. Never mind something as absurd as one-piece jeans. Which is odd because jeans are one-piece anyway… Who the hell decided that jeans needed to be more one-piece-ier in the first place? Where do people come up with these ideas? I guess I can commend the intentions of creating the overall because crack is not where it’s at, so to speak. So this contraption called overalls would definitely save us from over-crack-exposure. However this does not excuse the fact that nobody should ever wear overalls! Call me optimistic but I was just reasoning with the bright side of overalls.

Now there is a time and place for everything, including overalls (which is quite unfortunate). You are officially allowed to wear overalls if you are either:

A. A farmer. And this means in the farmyard only. I mean come on, when was the last time you saw a farmer not wearing overalls? They were practically made for each other. But for all you farmers who venture out on the town or go clubbing (…I have no idea what farmers do), you must remove the overalls immediately!

or

B. A plumber. You might be thinking, “Ok farmer I get, but plumber?” Yes plumber. How many times have you had a plumber repairing your leaky kitchen faucet, and you walk in to grab a bag a chips but suddenly you’re not hungry anymore because you have been hit with the sight of the dreaded and not-so-elusive plumber crack?! I never let a plumber in my house unless they’re wearing overalls because which is more important, fixing a leaky pipe or keeping my vision?

Overalls are always a no, and if you still own a pair or two and are not currently working as a farmer and/or plumber, I would be surprised. And appalled. I haven’t seen anyone kicking around in their overalls lately, and I intend to keep it that way.

(Photos courtesy of http://www.kids-courier.com/ and http://www.rawganique.com/)

Leggings Are Not Pants

I repeat, leggings are not pants. I seem to say this on a weekly basis because more and more women are not understanding that it is obscene and unsanitary to wear leggings as pants. Leggings are meant to be worn under long shirts, shorts, skirts, or dresses. Any clothing that covers your parts but still shows the leggings on your legs is permitted to be worn with leggings. You can not wear regular length shirts with leggings and nothing else because a thin piece of spandex is going to show everything. Everything. Please do the world a favor and follow these three simple rules to wearing leggings:

• Cover Up. Like I said long shirts, shorts, skirts, dresses, and anything that covers the appropriate areas are the only articles of clothing that can be worn with leggings. Leggings are meant to be seen on your legs, hence the name. I don’t care how great you think your ass is, no one wants to see it bulging out of thinner-than-paper spandex.

• Leggings Are Synonymous With Tights. Not jeans. Not pants. Tights. When’s the last time you wore pantyhose without pants? Never? Exactly. Just because leggings are thicker and slightly more opaque than tights doesn’t mean they qualify as full fledged pants. If you’re ever in doubt as to what can or can not be worn with leggings, remember this saying.

• Trends Aren’t For Everyone. Trend is not a bad word, and some are even fun to be a part of. Leggings is one of those trends. They can be cute and fashionable with the right outfit and can incorporate pieces of your fall, spring, and even summer wardrobe year round. That being said, trends aren’t for everyone. If leggings don’t look good on you or aren’t meant for your body, chances are you shouldn’t wear them. But don’t fret, trends come and go so you can always jump on the next fashion bandwagon.

Pass on these important rules to wearing leggings so we don’t have to look at spandex crotches and/or asses ever again!

Friends Don’t Let Friends Wear Sandals and Socks

(Not letting eachother wear sandals
and socks)

Sandals and socks should never meet under any circumstances, yet people still feel the need to unite these two items. Call me crazy but I don’t understand the logic behind wearing both sandals and socks at the same time, never mind the fact that it looks totally ridiculous. If it’s too cold to wear sandals to the point that you would need additional insulation on your feet (socks), then do not wear sandals! It seems so simple. On the other hand, if you’re making the commitment to put on a pair of socks, go the extra mile and put on your sneakers too. Don’t put on socks, get lazy, and resort to sandals. At least take the socks off first.

Men and women alike frequently break this law and it’s painful to witness. Whoever invented this trend against fashion needs to be found and punished, because it has spread like wildfire and has yet to die down. Refusing to look like an idiot and not wearing sandals and socks yourself is a good start to extinguish this fashion disaster, but it is not enough. You need to do your friend the biggest favor ever to exist in your relationship and not let them wear sandals and socks.

I once had a friend who wore sandals and socks, and I have not spoken to him since. Just kidding, even I’m not that bad. First I asked why the hell he would ever commit such an abomination, and then politely explained my position on the topic. I believe it went something like, “If you ever wear sandals and socks in public ever again I will divorce you as my best friend!” I may be paraphrasing, but at any rate he respectfully agreed to never wear them except for the occasional trip to the mailbox. I was willing to accept that deal because it was progress.

Make sure you do your part in stomping out this fashion faux pas by not letting your friends wear sandals and socks!

Just Say No To Crocs

I have been battling against Crocs from the God awful moment they were invented. People need to understand that a hunk of rubber is not a shoe! Unless it’s a flip-flop, but even that’s not a shoe, it’s a flip-flop which is a-okay in my book. But I digress.

Whoever invented Crocs is an evil genius that wants to make the world horribly unfashionable by passing off a variety of unattractive rubber footwear as shoes. I have seen so many types of Crocs it sickens me. There is the original, lose your toes on a mall escalator Croc. There is the fur-lined Croc for the winter time, of course. I mean, who could go even one season without wearing such an attractive shoe? (Gag.) And then there are a couple different types of Crocs that try to disguise themselves as women’s fashion flats.

I thought my personal battle with Crocs was nearly won. I hadn’t even seen a toddler wearing Crocs in the longest time, never mind a grown woman. But on this one, fateful afternoon when I was innocently watching television, I saw it. A brand new commercial advertising the newest type of Croc. My heart sank and I threw up in my mouth a little. A young, assumingly single woman, on her way out of her apartment, wearing Crocs even more deeply disguised as real shoes.

Women of the world do not be fooled! A Croc is not a shoe, no matter how much the evil Croc-people try to trick you into thinking they are. No matter how deeply you think the Croc-ness is disguised, it is blatantly obvious what those monstrosities on your feet are. Crocs are the singularly most unattractive and unfashionable shoe on the market today, and has earned Christine’s Official Stamp Of Disgust.

So if you do not want to be a fashion outcast, take my advice and just say no to Crocs. It’s as simple as that.