Inside Christine's Closet: Crispy Hair Is A Crime

Hold on a second, I know what you’re thinking, but fashion isn’t just about the clothes you wear. Hair is the most important fashion accessory to any outfit because you can always see it. That’s why it is important to do something with that hair before you leave the house. Anything. Throw a comb through it and I’ll be happy.

Now I’ve seen some bad hair in my day, borderline terrible. Perms gone awry, hair cut uneven, afros on people that shouldn’t have them, and mullets. Enough said about that last one. But the one thing that truly hurts my soul to see on someone’s head is dried up, crispy, crunchy hair. For God’s sake woman, put down the hairspray and grab the conditioner! That damage is so terrifying it just may be irreversible, so you need to remedy it this second!

Call me cruel but I have no sympathy for those with crispy hair. Do you know how many conditioners they make these days? As someone with hair a little more oily than others, I shampoo religiously every day. So I expect my arch nemeses, the fried heads, to condition just as much. If you do so much as blow dry your hair at least 5 days a week, you should use conditioner. Chances are though, if you’re just innocently blow drying and using the proper conditioner now and again, your hair is probably just fine. I’m directing my poorly focused aggression on people who have hair the consistency of hay and do nothing about it. Which, in turn, forces me to look at it.

To end this tirade I have prepared an open letter of opinion to everyone who has obviously damaged, dry, crispy hair and is doing nothing to try to combat it:

Dear Crispies,

Your hair looks like a bird’s nest. It is so horribly damaged I do not know what to do with myself, but I certainly will not avert my gaze of disgust away from that hay stack you call hair. In order for my hatred of you to be directed elsewhere, I need you to go into the nearest drugstore and pick up one of the 10,000 different kinds of conditioners they sell, work into hair for about 60 seconds, rinse, and repeat as necessary. And trust me, it will be necessary. Have a nice day and watch out for nesting birds, I hear it’s mating season.